Available from Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble .com
Available from Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble .com
Don't have a Kindle? No problem. Get the free Kindle application here!
Don't have a Nook? Still No problem. Get the free Nook Reader application here!
The Difference Between Theory and Practice
By Paul Campbell
There is a fairly common saying about the bumblebee that goes: Recent aerodynamic tests have shown that the bumblebee cannot fly due to the shape and weight of its body in relation to the size and shape of its wings. However, the bumblebee doesn't know this, so it goes ahead and flies anyway.
Unfortunately, the converse of this little saying is also true: While theoretically a thing works on paper or in the laboratory, in actual practice it's nuts! This topic has been the subject of many articles and web sites dealing with patents of questionable thought, such as one I saw for the "Combination Bird Catcher and Cat Feeder." Sure it will work, but let's hope you don't live next door to a vegetarian with a weak stomach who is president of the SPCA!
So, for your consideration I present a newly patented device titled simply "Water Vehicle." On initial inspection the first thing that comes to mind is what keeps it afloat? Well, the answer is "forward momentum." Once up to speed this device skims across the surface of the water on the blades, or "foils", under the seat and steering column, and the skimmer plate in the very front.
Okay, so how do you develop this forward momentum? Tow it? Nope. Attach a motor to the rear? Nope. You bob up and down on it. Say what?! Yes, this "Water Vehicle" is designed to utilize the flexibility of the foils to create a sort of flapping motion that will propel you across the water. But wait, it gets better! See those two little loops on the platform that at first glance looks like the seat? Well, that isn't a seat, because those loops are for putting your feet into.
Given the nature of this picture the handlebar is relatively close to the elevation of the platform. This must mean that to operate this "Water Vehicle" you are going to be bent over in the sort of position you might assume for a proctologic exam. Now, from this position you must bob up and down with sufficient force and speed to propel the vehicle forward. Assuming you are a young lady in the size 0 to 10 range this could be an interesting display. On the other hand if you are a middle-aged man who could easily pass for an overweight Sasquatch, there is an even money chance that people with high-powered weapons will be taking pot shots at you from shore! That is, assuming you could even get into this rather vulnerable position.
"So, Mr. Campbell, perhaps you would like to explain to me how it is that you managed to get shot with a spear-gun in the buttocks?"
"Well Doctor, I was pumping away on my water vehicle, minding my own business, and just about the time I started feeling the tightness in my chest this scuba diver appeared out of nowhere and nailed me!"
"Okay, but what caused all these bruises?"
"Oh, that happened after they dragged my bleeding body back to shore. There's not a lot of compassion or tolerance at the beach these days you know."
Okay, so let's assume the operator is the young lady in the 0 to 10 size range and can actually get into position to use this device. And let's assume that she is actually able to pump up and down fast enough to keep this vehicle skimming across the water. Now, if you can set the visual aside long enough to concentrate for a few more moments, consider that this vehicle is undergoing a tremendous amount of stress. Eventually, no matter what material you manufacture this vehicle from, parts are going to begin to develop fatigue and eventually fail. So, material fatigue sets in, a foil breaks off, and forward momentum obviously stops. Presto, your water vehicle sinks to the bottom like a stone and our model is forced to swim to shore where she emerges soaking wet in that leopard thong and . . . okay, so maybe it's not such a bad idea after all.
What's next?
