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Brace for Impact!
By Paul CampbellEvery once in a while I run across a patent that has a title I simply can't resist. Sometimes just the title writes the gag line for me! So this week I have discovered the "Kayak Knee Brace And Method Of Placement." Now doesn't that name paint a picture for you?
Unfortunately, the invention is not actually a knee brace made from or shaped like a kayak. Although that is what the wording of the title would indicate. It is rather humane that an inventor would realize that most of us are going to need a knee brace after a good shoot down Scabby Rapids in our kayak. Probably also a back brace, a neck brace and several stainless steel pins, but hey the technology is getting there.
This invention is the creative work of inventor Robert A. Knight of Somerset, Calif., and I swear that I am not making this up, but the address of record is on Doo Dah Drive. While I will resist the temptation to sing you a little song set to the tune of "Camp Town Races," it should be pointed out that Knight's invention is actually to brace the knee in the kayak, not after using the kayak.
The invention is designed to be an adjustable knee brace to fit any particular kayaker's physique. This is a serious advantage over prior means of coping with user size and shape. "Due to the great variation in leg lengths and thicknesses among kayakers, for the best fit and control it has been common practice [in the past] to line the entire area within each knee brace with dense, resilient, closed-cell foam and then to sculpt the surfaces to receive the anterior face and the anterior portions of the inner and outer side faces of the knee and adjacent distal end of the thigh of the intended user."
Trying to decipher how Knight's invention actually functions mechanically from the legalese of the patent document is for all intents and purposes . . . not possible. Assuming that attorneys are idiots is an easy mistake to make, because they deliberately word things so only other attorneys can understand them. In fact I am convinced that what O.J. was really scribbling on that yellow pad was, "What in the devil are they talking about?" So, about the simplest explanation of how this invention works is that the user gets into the kayak, pushes the brace down against the knee, and then tightens it into place with a screw into the structure of the kayak. Of course given the cryptic nature of the patent perhaps they push it down and screw it directly into their knee. Who knows!
What is clear is that the invention does not require any customization to the kayak or the brace materials. One size now fits all regardless of whether your are anorectic or badly in need of six weeks at the fat farm.
This invention should therefore make the cost of a snugly fitting kayak substantially less. Of course you still are going to end up with a snugly fitting kayak gripping your bottom, while the remainder of your torso is left sticking out to flail around like Raggedy Andy. Fortunately the soft flesh of your face will cushion the blows against the rocks to protect your kayak.
Another advantage of Knight's invention could possibly be "immediate gratification." The customization of bracing within a kayak is not necessarily something that happens on the spot when you walk into the dealership. However, this adjustable knee brace can be fitted within a matter of minutes and your ready to sail off down the River Styx.
When the boatload of human sashimi exits the rapids at the other end there will be yet another opportunity to offset the cost of a kayak. This of course will be from winning a "celebrity lookalike contest." The event should leave you a shoe-in to pass for the host of "Tales from the Crypt."
Although the patent makes frequent references to the need for knee bracing in relation to whitewater kayaking, there is no reason that this invention would not be equally appealing to those brave soles that partake in open-ocean kayaking. There are, after all, certain advantages to being securely attached to your kayak while shooting down the face of a tsunami.
"The life of a sailor is very unhealthy." -- Francis Galton, Inquiries into Human Faculty
What's next?
