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Boating on Redneck River
By Paul Campbell
My sidekick Vapid Fendermonger and I have been out traveling the country in search of new and exotic places to experiment with new boating technology. Also places out of the view of the wives and the authorities. We managed to reach the Gulf of Mexico just in time for a mass suicide by the shark population and the consequent closure of several hundred miles of beach. With tears in our eyes we headed off into the sunset looking for another place to play in the water. We found our way to such overlooked vacation hotspots as Wilmer, Alabama; Forgotten Lake, Mississippi, and not to forget Dead Lake, Florida. Now that we're back it's time to get back into reporting the technology news, and a visit to Redneck River.
Redneck River isn't really a place so much as it is a state of mind. It's a place where your shoes don't have names (largely because they are actually boots), . . . your buddy isn't named Chip, . . . and a rifle rack on your boat doesn't look out of place! It's also the only sort of place where you aren't afraid to be seen in public with Vapid Fendermonger.
Don't get me wrong. Vapid's a nice enough guy. He just looks like a wet dog. In fact he also smells like a wet dog and frequently acts like a wet dog. He's not the sort who frequents Tiffany's. He's the sort that lives in the alley behind Tiffany's! He's also fanatically addicted to doing anything from a boat and the only person who will associate with me that isn't afraid of the consequences.
The consequences incidentally are, from time to time, less than exemplary. We are now moving into hunting season. A time for two things: commonly carrying firearms in the boat, and truly disastrous consequences. But this year there is hope thanks to inventors Clayton R. Jackson and Randy J. Sauerwein of Columbia Falls, Mont.
I'm not sure if Vapid and I have ever hunted in a boat anywhere near these guys, but I like to believe we could have been the inspiration for their new invention: the "Vertical Shotgun Or Rifle Mount For Hunting Boats."
A "hunting boat" in this case of course being any floating object on which you can carry a gun. Vapid and I consider any vessel not already at the bottom to be a potential "hunting boat."
So why a vertical mount? Well, assuming these guys have hunted near us, probably so there wasn't a mounted cannon hanging off the side of our boat pointing in their direction. I'm pretty sure this is the reason, because of the four justifications for the patent that they list in their claims, the number one reason is: "holds a shotgun or rifle in a vertical position with the muzzle of the shotgun or rifle pointing upward to prevent injury due to accidental discharge, . . .."
Incidentally, the mount is designed so that the gun can only face up! Another wise choice by our friends from Montana, since an accidental discharge with it pointing down would be worse than if it were pointed sideways. Wounds heal, but boats are expensive! Not to mention, Vapid is not as well insulated as I am, and a swim to shore in fall weather can cause life-threatening hypothermia.
The mount itself is fairly simple. It holds the gun securely, and keeps it high enough to keep it out of the water in the bottom of the boat. The water in the bottom of the boat is seepage from the shoddy patch job Vapid did on last year's consequences.
Unfortunately the Redneck River Gun Mount has not yet been assigned to any third party for manufacture or distribution. I don't know if the inventors are making any plans to produce or distribute it themselves, but it seems like it should be appearing on the market soon. Very soon, considering the consequences.
What's next?
