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Prosthetic Backpack
By Paul Campbell
A few years ago I had the delightful horror of viewing a lateral x-ray on my spinal column after one of my frequent visits to Our Lady Of Insufferable Attitude hospital. Dr. Hacker, or simply "The Hacker" as many of us like to refer to him, our local emergency room homeopath took great pleasure in explaining to me what I was looking at.
"Hey Doc, what are these little wedge shaped things here?"
"Well Paul, they used to be nice little rectangular shaped things that in their former state we would have called disks, but let's just call them your one way ticket to a starring role as Quasi Motto."
"Huh?"
"Your spine is deteriorating. So in a few years you're going to strongly resemble Australopithecus when you walk. I suggest you take two aspirin and not lift anything heavy for a while."
"Okay. So when will this heal up?"
"You might want to check the Farmer's Almanac. I don't know when Hades is scheduled to freeze over."
The Hacker has a wonderful bedside manner, not unlike that of an executioner at a state penitentiary. But I took the news with dignity. My fishing companion Vapid Fendermonger on the other hand was not able to contain his personal concern for my well being.
"What do you mean I have to portage the canoe for you from now on? Bad back my bottom eye! You didn't have any trouble hefting that full keg over your head last night at Blotto's Saloon in the chug-a-lug contest. By the way, that was pretty impressive."
"Sorry Vapid, doctor's orders."
Aside from periodic speculations about Dr. Hacker's medical school and the occasional threat to his personal welfare, Vapid has reluctantly born the burden of portaging our canoe from one body of water to the next. Of course this is largely because it's my canoe and the alternative to carrying the canoe is staying home with the wife. However, I may now be in serious jeopardy of having to carry my own canoe thanks in part to an invention by Charles Palmer of Ferguson, Missouri.
Palmer received US Patent no. 6,019,263 for his new "Small Watercraft Portage And Carrying Device." The invention incorporates a small watercraft carrying device into a backpack frame. The object is to eliminate the weight typically transferred to the back and shoulders, and transfer it to the hips. I don't think this is going to help Vapid much, because my hips, knees and ankles are not in much better condition than my back. But it may preserve his back for many more years of carrying my canoe.
The patent puts it most eloquently. "The current method of canoe, kayak or small boat transport requires the user to overturn the canoe, kayak or small floatation device and place the center thwart of the canoe, the cockpit coaming of the kayak, or the gunnels of the portable boat onto the shoulders of the person carrying the device. The user will often attach a portage yoke to the center thwart of a canoe which in most cases has two pads that rest on top of the user's shoulders. Unfortunately, many modern canoes, kayaks and small boats are of such weight as to cause body fatigue or pose a risk of back and shoulder injury when transported in such a manner. The threat of exhaustion and physical injury can be greatly decreased if the weight of the canoe, kayak or small boat is born by the hips of the person carrying the weight. This is the form of support provided by an external frame backpack. Since many external frame backpacks permit weight bearing on the hips, any small watercraft portage and carrying device mounted onto such a pack would allow the canoe, kayak or small watercraft weight to be born mostly by the hips, thereby reducing fatigue or the risk of back and shoulder injury."
Of course my preferred method is to get someone else to simply carry the canoe for me, but that doesn't do much to help Vapid now does it. But there is another point here that is important: When you tip your vessel over all the gear falls out. So you need to have a backpack to carry everything in anyway, and as long as you have it along why not utilize it to its full potential.
You're going to want to make sure you get a good backpack with a frame that can carry the load. So I have been looking for a new backpack for Vapid that is made out of something like titanium or possibly chrome-moly steel. After all, with the load of the canoe, our fishing tackle, the anchor, my complete set of cast-iron cookware and the keg, I don't want the frame to bend out of shape with Vapid only half way up the side of Mount Ararat.
As the years have passed Vapid keeps suggesting possible treatments for my back to The Hacker every time we see him, which is a good deal more often than you might think. Still, Vapid seems to think he knows more than our doctor. Yet The Hacker after all must know his business. He holds degrees not only as a MD, but also as a DVM, making him uniquely qualified to be the personal physician for Vapid, who rumor holds was raised by wolves. Despite admonitions that he shouldn't be arguing with someone who graduated from Correspondence Offshore Medical College in the Lesser Antilles, Vapid repeatedly suggests to The Hacker that if the good doctor is unwilling to replace my spine with a steel rod that he will gladly insert one there himself in what can only be politely described as a suppository. Vapid's suggestion of inserting a fishing rod in this fashion was just mean-spirited, but The Hacker's hesitation and contemplative look were deeply disconcerting.
What's next?
