Of Fish and Men
By Paul Campbell
I hardly know where to begin. I mean have you ever run across a new device that was intended for a specific purpose and thought, "That is the most ridiculous idea in the world!" Only to turn right around and think, "On the other hand that would be great for . . .!" The second idea being of course about as far removed from the original design intent as possible while still remaining in this dimension. Well, what can I say? Here we have the "anesthetic fish hook."
I've been asked, occasionally by the authorities, where I come up with this stuff. Folks, I don't come up with this stuff, somebody else does. I just elaborate on what I find, and this time I found a patent that struck me on a very personal level. Let's get the particulars out of the way first. This week's feature is the "Anesthetic Fishing Lure" patented under US Patent no. 5,934,006, and the work of inventors Frank and Sandra Stevenson of Bradenton, FL.
Now two questions immediately came to mind: Why, and what's it good for? I discovered that both answers are entirely dependent on one's point of view. We'll examine both, keeping in mind that my point of view is a little bit twisted.
First, the lure can be any one of several "embodiments," but for purposes of discussion it is a rubber worm with a hook through it. The lure has several unique configurations that enhance the action, mostly based on a spring shape, or in one style a sort of serrated shape. But the real highlight of the inventions seems to be that, "Each embodiment has a cap member removably attached to the shanked portion of a hook with an anesthetic solution received therein for deadening a fish's mouth when it engages the hook."
Not being a big "catch and release" type of angler, I wondered why I would want to perform oral anesthetization on something I was about to club to death and eat? I think to get the full ambience for this sort of endeavor you'd also need to be playing the Muzak version of Anchors Away in the background. But I digress. According to the patent abstract, "In addition, a hook embedded in a conventional worm will penetrate the mouth of a fish causing immediate and severe pain. The pain often causes the fish to pull and jerk uncontrollably sometimes resulting in the fish tearing the hook from its mouth and escaping. Additionally, the fish will present more of a struggle making it more difficult to reel in. Finally, as the fisherman attempts to remove the hook, the fish will continue to flop uncontrollably posing a danger to the fisherman since many have razor sharp gills and fins."
Well, here's the deal, if I pay four hundred dollars for a fishing charter to catch tarpon and my catch lays there like a stoner that just scored I'm gonna be pissed! Having the fish "jerk uncontrollably" is the biggest thrill of fishing. I'd do it with mammals if I didn't think the ASPCA would have my head in a noose the second they got wind of it! If you want to haul listless things up from the watery depths, become a geologist, and leave the angling to others.
Here's the way it works. "When the cap member [item] 8 is removed, a small amount of the gelatinous material [the anesthetic] will remain on the shank. Accordingly, when a fish strikes the bait, the hook will penetrate its mouth while simultaneously deadening the surrounding area." I have no doubt that this will work perfectly as intended, I just have reservations if the outcome will be desirable.
HOWEVER . . . I can see a definite advantage to this invention! If you are that mythological angler from fantasyland that has never hooked yourself or been hooked by a companion, you can stop reading now. Otherwise, consider if you will, the advantage of having your fishhooks pre-anesthetized! The stories will all require a witness!
"Yeah guys, I can attest that Vapid's telling the truth. I've never seen anything like it. A limb caught the line in mid cast and tossed the lure right back in his crotch! But he didn't so much as whimper, just reached down and ripped that big ol' number four-ought treble out and kept on fishing."
"Yep, darnest thing I ever saw. Course, once that anesthetic stuff wore off we had to call Animal Control to put him down before he hurt somebody. Anyway, Ms. Fendermonger says they wasn't planning on having no more kids anyway, so at least we didn't loose the rest of the daylight since they was hit'n pretty good."
What's next?
