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Angler's Answering Machine
By Paul Campbell
Contrary to what rumors my fishing companion Vapid Fendermonger may spread around our local watering hole, The El Sleazo Saloon, I am not on the VIP list of clients at Helga's House of Pain. Helga and I just happen to be old friends from college, and she put her engineering degree to somewhat different use than I have mine. Vapid on the other hand assures me that the name of the establishment is misleading, and he has certainly experienced more pain on our average fishing excursion than anything Helga can deal out. I mention this only by way of introduction to this week's topic, which although is intended for fishing purposes, has the distinct appearance of something either Helga designed, or that belongs in the laboratory of Dr. Hacker.
Despite the appearance that it might have been invented by Donatien Alphonse François de Sade, this is actually the angler's equivalent to an answering machine. The theory being that when the angler is not in the immediate presence of the fishing rod, and a fish comes to call, the "answering machine" takes the call, so to speak. Here's the situation: Modesty prevents me from maintaining constant vigil over my fishing rig, especially after Vapid and I have pretty well emptied the cooler. The baseball bat I keep in the back of the truck prevents Vapid from maintaining the vigil under similar circumstances. I find Vapid's libertine behavior especially disconcerting when my wife accompanies us fishing! To sort of square it with me, it seems that every time I return from a relief run in the surrounding cover, Vapid is sure to report that I have just had the most spectacular strike of the season, but that it got away because I wasn't there to set the hook. Well now I've got him.
No more "Oh man, you just missed 'em." Kent H. De Fraties and Linda L. De Fraties of Sunrise Beach, MO have just patented the new "Hook Setting And Fish Playing Apparatus." I have to admit that the device is a bit Draconian looking just for setting a hook and playing a fish in my absence, but whatever it takes I suppose. Patented under US Patent no. 5,930,938 the device is designed to more or less do the fishing for you when you can't be right by your rod to tend it.
Here is the rather discrete reasoning given by the De Fraties for the justification of the patent: "In many states multiple fishing poles are allowed while in others only one can be used. When more than one rod is in use it is difficult for a fisherman to handle all at the same time. It is also true that often the fishing poles are set down or leaned against something so that the fisherman does not have to constantly tend to the fishing rod or rods. This is because fish do not always hit immediately when the baited hook is placed in the water."
The real reason/justification for the invention is because anglers consume large quantities of beverage in the pursuit of their chosen sport, and the water is not typically in close proximity to discrete facilities. And while I can't be certain, this very situation may have something to do with the reason that this appears to be one of the rare husband and wife inventor teams! I can only guess that the inspiration for the invention started with the statement, "Kent, would you please not do that in front of the children!" (In place of the word "children" it may have been: neighbors, our friends, the conservation officer, my mother, . . . you get the idea.)
Whatever the reason for the angler's absence, it is important to remember that there is more to a successful catch than just setting the hook. The fish will promptly snap a line that is rigidly anchored. To overcome this problem for the angler on leave, the inventors designed into the device a "spring action" to play the fish once it is hooked. "Once released a spring action "flips" the fishing pole to set the fish hook. Once the hook is set, the combined spring action and flexibility of the fishing pole plays the fish until the fisherman returns to tend to his rig."
Now if there is just a way to booby-trap the whole thing so Vapid can't mess with it while I'm out of sight, then it will very likely be the perfect fishing companion. Here's an idea for the inventors: Perhaps you could market an electrified and alarmed version under the trade name "The Vapinator."
What's next?
